we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize