If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
