you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
