I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
