she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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