I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
