I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
