he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
