Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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