You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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