once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
