We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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