You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
