He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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