I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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