i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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