There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
