remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
