I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
