There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
