I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
