She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
