Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
