508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
