Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
