My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
