i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
