you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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