Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
