I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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