I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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