broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
