So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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