he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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