I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
