I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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