she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
