The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
