cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
