his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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