Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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