you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Four minutes until I can fart!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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