Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
