I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
