quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
