you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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