I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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