I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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