I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
