We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
