My friends, they love my intelligence
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
