You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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