Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
