I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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