He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
