Umm I'm too high to move.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
